the crab-apple tree had already bloomed.  | A City On A Hill

the crab-apple tree had already bloomed.

Yep. It had. It had bloomed.

The bright white blossoms, that were tinted with pale pinkness, had already bloomed and their fragrance had filled the air. The cherry tree’s blooms were also spreading their sweet scent through the air. We left our home in the last week of April in 2010 with a sweet scent trailing behind us. And a beautiful sunset, I might add.

When I look through old photos from that time and the few weeks preceding it, it makes me choke. I get a lump in my throat that seems to continue to grow as I go through each folder, marked by the months the photos were taken in. January, February, March, April… My eyes sting because tears would well in them, and I’d have to blink to get them out of them.

I choke because I miss it all.

I get a lump in my throat because I get to thinking about how much I miss it.

Tears well in my eyes and sting them because I probably won’t see it again and can’t have it all back.

Plain. and. simple.

Yeah. Not really.

I still lie in bed awake at night, when I get to thinking about home, and then the choking starts as the lump begins to form. The tears come a little afterward as I continue to think about it all. And the fact that I will probably never see it again. Hey, I had a lot of room for that house to be in my life-dreams.

I ‘grew up’ in that house for over ten years. Four of my siblings were born in that house. Countless memories were made. We kept our animals in that big bank barn. We built a swing-set in the yard. We worked for years in building an addition onto our house. Yep. It was a big part of my ‘life’ dreams.

But we had to leave it all, because Abba was calling us. Even after almost two years [wow! two years in April of 2012!] I still get homesick. Maybe some day I won’t. Maybe we’ll settle somewhere, in some country, and it will be like home again. Of course, it can’t really be the exact same as it was, without all of the people that were in it. It can be kind of the same. I would be ok with that. I’d settle for that.

One of the sweetest memories I have is of the day we left. Momma and I were walking down to our neighbours house with Lu to take showers while Jocelyn finished packing. The water had been shut off at our house, so we couldn’t do it there. The coolness of that April evening was like any other, and it gave me the same ponderous feeling I had gotten every other evening like it. The sun was just beginning to reach the horizon line as we got to the house and I turned around to look.

It was hidden somewhere behind our house, and I couldn’t see it. But I could see the rays of golden light that shot through the air around our house and hit the trees and grass on the sides of our big house. I sniffed the air. It smelled like crab-apple and cherry tree blossoms because the soft breezes had carried it all the one quarter mile from our house to our neighbour’s.

It was such a familiar scent, and one I will always love. And one I will always associate with home. When I smelt it, I wanted to cry. My tears began to well. I knew I’d probably never smell the fragrance of those trees again. My heart began to melt and beg for me to be wrong. I really did want to be wrong then. Terribly wanted it. But we got one last parting gift from our sweet little homestead – a fragrance I’ll never forget.

Thank you, Abba, for giving us those two wonderful trees.

Thank you for letting them bloom before we left so we could smell them as we drove out of our driveway for the last time that evening.

Thank you for the snowy white blossoms tinged with a pale pink of the crab-apple tree, and the fuchsia coloured ones of the cherry tree.

Thank you so much for them.

Thank you… for the crab-apple tree that had already bloomed…

as ever,

p.s. and I would have put some photos that I took of the cherry and crab-apple trees in bloom that I took, but alas, they are on my Mini and that is still under construction and inaccessible. unfortunately. they were so beautiful.

p.p.s. I don’t usually ramble on like that… but I’ve been thinkin’ on it a lot, and musin’ over things like that for awhile now… suppose you could say it’s been on my heart for awhile. :) thanks for lending an ear. be blessed, amigos!

4 Responses to “the crab-apple tree had already bloomed.”

  1. rolicreps says:

    Rachel {{{{hugs}}}}} <3


  2. tracymarie5 says:

    It took me many years to realize its the people not the place that makes home home. I have never liked change much…lol…there are many places and times in my life where I would like to walk back into them, just step right back into that moment and live it again or do it differently. My youngest daughter and I were just talking of this yesterday, her dog passed away and she was remembering times with her, it made me remember my mom and her house, her yard,, her on the porch. So I told her what my mom once told me..we need to enjoy today, fondly remember the past, but not to let our sadness or missing the past steal today from us, because today is a day we may oneday wish we had back, so I told my daughter to go hug our other dog, because he is still here, he needs her today, I miss my mom, but i still have my dad, my children, my husband, so I try to be happy today and make the most of today with who is in my life and where we are today, together, for I know we are not promised tomorrow, each day we wake up alive and well and together is a gift that I am so thankful for….I feel for your sadness sweety, keep those beautiful memories alive always, they are part of your life, and then have a good cry…and then pick yourself up and go breath in that beautiful costa rican beauty, hug your momma and dad, and look into the eyes of those little brothers and sisters, you are truly blessed right here right now…and there is more to come, make beautiful memories today, those little ones will look back on their time with you and remember that fun, nice, awesome big sis…live today, love today…


  3. Jessica says:

    You almost make *me* want to cry! It’s a lot like our house…this is all I’ve ever known and loved :)

    I could almost smell the crab apple blossoms, too ;)

    Hugs to you, dear sister!


  4. Hannah Jane says:

    I understand. There are some places which are special to me and always will be, even though I won’t ever be able to see them again. The key I’ve found is to make new memories in the places I am able to be, even if it’s never quite the same again.


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